Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Isn't it weird when something from your past whizzes back into your life like a motorcade?! It stops you in your tracks and makes you take notice. The president came through Kensington this week, causing much ado with flags a flying and SUV's a trailing. Our fab Delegate Al Carr captured the moment. The traffic diversions gave me an opportunity to ponder my week.

Several random things transported me back in time, like Kate Gosselin. I wrote about her in my second blog post back in June titled, "Hair-Brained Honking." It poses the question, "Does short hair make you bitchy?" Little did I know that I would be this crazy character at a Halloween party. My friend Deborah knows that I love a wig and she gave me this spiked hairdude. Check out the tummy tuck scar. Dan was "Jon," complete with hair-plugs and Ed Hardy t-shirt. Notice the name tag, "I'm Jon. Want to date?" However, the better costumes were Amy Whinehouse and Balloon Boy.

Another party we hit time-traveled us back to college days. We sported Greek letters and headed for our friends Kristine and Nate's Frat Party. As one entered the "house," the hand was stamped, jello shots were offered, and you were ushered to the beer pong competition. Beer was even on the nightly news this week about how it is very dangerous to play, considering all the germs with H1N1 and all. I didn't play it, Dan didn't play it, but he got something that reeks of the flu. Gigi has been fighting a 103 fever all week and our house has the lovely perfume of Lysol. Hence the reason why I am writing later than normal this week.

David Dean and I needed to speed away from the coughing cloud, and even though there's no pong, Chuckie Cheese seemed like it would provide some fun and games. It perplexed me that, for the second time within days, my hand was stamped. Gotta love the "kid check" system that ensures you leave with the child you brought in. David and I attacked that place like VIPs. There was a "teachable moment" when I showed David how to play pinball. Things got a little out of hand with the driving videos - I wondered when the Secret Service of that establishment was going to kick me out for yelling "get out of my way mo-fo" as I drove over pilings and crashed into the perpetrator my car was chasing. It's yet another example of why I will not ever drive in a governmental motorcade OR win Mom-of-the Year. I did, however, make sure we washed our hands when we left.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Stars Upon Thars

Something happens in a suburban town

That makes you freak out when the widgets and whatnots
Start to break down.

You're stuck in a whirlywig grind.
You get all crazy when a broken garbage disposal
Leaves you in a bind.

The hood has a frenetic hullabaloo.
With demands of children and errands to run,
Hours are too few.

A meeting with your self needs to be had.
The world has greater causes, issues, and missions
To make you glad.

Last Sunday, the issue was about equal rights.
My gay friends and I rallied on the steps of Capitol Hill
And fought the fights.

"That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars
And whether they had one, or not
Upon Thars."*

* The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Nice Rack

Wildlife is encroaching on suburban sprawl. Five raccoons attacked a woman in Florida this week. Bears are breaking and entering on a regular basis. Deer have taken over the Hamptons, bejeweled like fashionistas with ear tags and neck tracking devices. Recently, a brazen young buck tracked through our back yard, rubbed his antlers on our trees and ate most of my hostas. Dan said he had a nice rack and it made me think about how the phrase is used to describe a well-endowed woman.

Our racks get a lot of attention. There is a plethora of nicknames - boobies, ta-tas, bazunkas, melons, jugs, titties, hooters, headlights, dirty pillows, gazongas, breasticles, cans, bosom, mammaries. Did I miss any? Our "girls" are loved so much that October is dedicated for National Breast Cancer Awareness. Ladies, feel your girls. Guys, feel your girl's girls. Get a mammogram. Drink milk. What???? Dr. Northrup, a frequent guest on Oprah, advices us to increase our intake of Vitamin D to help prevent breast cancer. "...researchers determined that women with vitamin D levels above 52 ml have half the risk of developing breast cancer..." More info on the study at

I want to honor my "girls" after my first mammogram this month. I'm going to buy some pretty lingerie as a tribute to my "peaches." Glamour magazine uses fruit for "cup comparison": A cup is the size of a kiwi, B cup are peaches, C cup are apples, D cup = oranges, E cup is a grapefruit and F cup is the size of a coconut. If you honor your fruit, watch out for the booby trap gimmicks such as the Nipple Erector Set or the Brava Breast Enhancement System. I'm going for a bra that makes my breasties look sexy in the hopes of promoting more wild life in suburbia.

*** Be educated about Inflammatory Breast Cancer which is not detectable in a mammogram and progresses quickly. This type of breast cancer is called "inflammatory" because the breast often looks swollen and red, or "inflamed" IBC accounts for 1 to 5 percent of all breast cancer cases in the U.S.

*** I dedicate this entry to Julie's "breasty dumplings."