Thursday, March 24, 2011

Can't bring sexy back...

...cause it never left. Actually, there was a time when the steam was zapped out of my hot pocket. It was a few years ago after moving to the burbs and becoming a SAHM. Yes, there's even an acronym for the Stay at Home Mom. The peculiar thing is that there are lots of other ladies in the burbs who are not getting it on and most of them are married, which means they could have as much sexy as they want. Well, I had a meeting with myself and decided I would not end up as a prude who couldn't enjoy a good poke.

I'm grateful to have a love affair with my hubby. We celebrated his 50th birthday last weekend and had a blast with friends, a limobus, and wigs. After extensive research, therapy, books, and Womanly Arts training, here are some things I've learned about workin' that skirt.

* Pretend you're not married. Date. Call. Text, or sext for those of you who feel adventurous. Write notes. Make the most of the minivan w the stow-away seats - hello!

* In the words of the Bieb, "Never say never." Or always. Or every time. This is the #1 Rule of fighting. No hyperbole, unless of course, you have 10 examples with dates and times. If so, bring it!

* Train the kids to give you private time. You like morning lovin? Have the rugrats get their own cereal and turn on the tube. Kids in the backyard? Quick, lock the door and go for a let's-do-it quick.

* Make your own fun. Have family dance parties. Play dress up with the kids. If you don't have kids, play dress up anyway. Wigs are always fun but I can rarely get Dan into one. However, on his birthday, the limobus brought out the crazy.

Kate Gosselin wig backwards which makes Dan look like his brother Eric:

Thursday, March 17, 2011

After Me Lucky Charms

St. Patrick's Day - wearing green, drinking green, chasing after me lucky charms. It's all so magically delicious, quite enough to make me river dance! But as I dove into the historical pot o gold, I realized there's a bunch of blarney about this glorious holiday.

* 390 A.D St. Patrick was not Irish - he was actually a well-to-do British boy.
* He was kidnapped at age 16 and sent to Ireland to slave away as a shepherd.
* His English name was Maewyn Succat.
* He had visions where God told him to escape and that one day he would return to reform the pagans.
* He took the name Patrick after he became a priest.
* He used the shamrock to teach the trinity.
* There really aren't any snakes in Ireland.
* Leprechauns are from Irish folklore, used to warn people to stay away sacred spaces.
* Irish spring soap doesn't really smell like Irish spring.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Life is short, live large.

With the tragedy going on in Japan, here's a note of inspiration from the Universe (by the site TUT -
If speaking to a spiritual novice during the darker days of human evolution, one might explain God, metaphorically, as if "He" were angry, testing, and judgmental.

To someone a bit more savvy, during easier times, one might explain God, metaphorically, as if "She" were always loving, nurturing, and forever conspiring on our behalf.

And to someone on the verge of a total breakthrough, during the latter days of human evolution, one might explain God by asking them to turn up the music, take off their shoes, walk in the grass, unleash the dogs, free the canary, catch a breeze, ride a wave, dance every day, get up early, take a nap, stay out late, eat chocolate, feel the love, give stuff away, earn it back, give some more, and laugh.... Really.

Really, really.
Catch a breeze,
The Universe

Friday, March 11, 2011

Look Great Naked

With Spring just around the corner I find myself, like the Earth, leaning toward the Sun. I went outside the other day and stood in the back garden to let the golden orb shine on my face. Ahhhhhhhh. It's hard to get a little color in 40 degree weather, even lubed up in iodine and laying on a silver blanket. I was freezing my lady balls off! Since it was Fat Tuesday, I warmed up with a slushy drink and was inspired to mark the changing of the seasons. The Polish have a festival where they kick out the goddess of winter and walk around on stilts >>>. I am honoring Lent by giving up being "vanilla," meaning it's time to get real, not doing things just to please others, AND saying what I need to say. A unique pagan ritual to add some color and prepare me for the vernal equinox was in order - the spray tan.

Not only does the spray tan give you a fab glow, it takes away all cellulite, and since the winter chub has given me dunlaps disease (my stomach dunlaps over my belt), I gotta hide what fatty-my-tapeworm has not digested. And, and, and, it is safe - the only harm it can do is to your sheets IF you get the color coating. I opt for the invisible sheen so that it doesn't look like an oompa loompa died in my bed.

Now if you have never had a fake tan, keep a few things in mind. Ya gotta wear a sexy hair net. Put lotion between your toes & elbows or you'll reek of fake bake. Assume the four tan stances and turn when it is time or you'll get double sprayed and resemble a tanorexic.

Here's to looking good naked or clothed or with dunlaps. Mark the change of seasons this weekend by turning your clocks one hour ahead as we Spring forward.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Sheen

We are rubber-necking the Charlie Sheen train-wreck and am a tad embarrassed to admit that I'm experiencing schadenfreude - pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. But in the words of CS - "I don't live in the middle any more, that's where you get slaughtered, that's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen." Well, I was the prom queen and let me tell ya, it's not all what it's cracked up to be. OMG, Charlie Sheen is he right about some things?!

This here is a whole lotta crazy going on and I'm high on Charlie Sheen. The rants are incredibly funny and it seems like a stand-up act. He is a comedian, right? The interviews are assembled at the bottom of this entry. As the week gets sheenier, the list will grow. Put any favs of yours in the comments.

My favorite quotes:
*"I'm grandiose because I live a grandiose life. I'm tired of being awh shucks."
* "I've got tiger blood, man." - on why he hasn't OD'd
* "Dying's for fools."
* "I expose people to magic"on sharing his drugs.
* "You can't process me with a normal brain."
* "I'm Carlos Estavez"if he calls me that, does that make him anti-Latin American." - about the Chuck Lorre/Chaim Levine rant.
* "I'm a rock star from Mars."
* "I'm gonna ask for more, tons... all their gold, their toupees." - about how much he is going to sue.
* "The goddesses - I don't believe the term is good enough...when you are bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice's a marriage of the heartS."
* "Celebrate this movement" - to his fans "I will not let you down."
* "tired of pretending I am not special."
* CBS should apologize while "licking my feet"
* CBS "picked a fight with a warlock" "Vatican assassin warlocks"
* "I'm dealing with fools and trolls."
* "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and look at their loser lives and look at me and say I can't process it."
* "Score board doesn't lie"
* "Duhh" - about not being on drugs
* "I'm on a drug right now, it's call Charlie Sheen."
* "Not gonna work through my resentments - no dude, gonna use 'em to come at ya."
* "I don't live in the middle any more, that's where you get slaughtered, that's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen."

Today Show -


TMZ radio -