Friday, March 11, 2011

Look Great Naked

With Spring just around the corner I find myself, like the Earth, leaning toward the Sun. I went outside the other day and stood in the back garden to let the golden orb shine on my face. Ahhhhhhhh. It's hard to get a little color in 40 degree weather, even lubed up in iodine and laying on a silver blanket. I was freezing my lady balls off! Since it was Fat Tuesday, I warmed up with a slushy drink and was inspired to mark the changing of the seasons. The Polish have a festival where they kick out the goddess of winter and walk around on stilts >>>. I am honoring Lent by giving up being "vanilla," meaning it's time to get real, not doing things just to please others, AND saying what I need to say. A unique pagan ritual to add some color and prepare me for the vernal equinox was in order - the spray tan.

Not only does the spray tan give you a fab glow, it takes away all cellulite, and since the winter chub has given me dunlaps disease (my stomach dunlaps over my belt), I gotta hide what fatty-my-tapeworm has not digested. And, and, and, it is safe - the only harm it can do is to your sheets IF you get the color coating. I opt for the invisible sheen so that it doesn't look like an oompa loompa died in my bed.

Now if you have never had a fake tan, keep a few things in mind. Ya gotta wear a sexy hair net. Put lotion between your toes & elbows or you'll reek of fake bake. Assume the four tan stances and turn when it is time or you'll get double sprayed and resemble a tanorexic.

Here's to looking good naked or clothed or with dunlaps. Mark the change of seasons this weekend by turning your clocks one hour ahead as we Spring forward.


  1. I love me a fake bake and I even have a girl who sprays me (instead of going in the booth - you can imagine me in a tanning booth trying to lean, stand, spin). I think I might have to book one right now!! XO

  2. Yes, get one, and when you are in NYC, go see my friend Sally at Brazil Bronze...she sprays all the beautiful people and you should be included. (Her client list includes J Lo, Hugh Grant, Brad Pitt...)