Look Great Naked

With Spring just around the corner I find myself, like the Earth, leaning toward the Sun. I went outside the other day and stood in the back garden to let the golden orb shine on my face. Ahhhhhhhh. It's hard to get a little color in 40 degree weather, even lubed up in iodine and laying on a silver blanket. I was freezing my lady balls off! Since it was Fat Tuesday, I warmed up with a slushy drink and was inspired to mark the changing of the seasons. The Polish have a festival where they kick out the goddess of winter and walk around on stilts >>>. I am honoring Lent by giving up being "vanilla," meaning it's time to get real, not doing things just to please others, AND saying what I need to say. A unique pagan ritual to add some color and prepare me for the vernal equinox was in order - the spray tan.

Not only does the spray tan give you a fab glow, it takes away all cellulite, and since the winter chub has given me dunlaps disease (my stomach dunlaps over my belt), I gotta hide what fatty-my-tapeworm has not digested. And, and, and, it is safe - the only harm it can do is to your sheets IF you get the color coating. I opt for the invisible sheen so that it doesn't look like an oompa loompa died in my bed.

Now if you have never had a fake tan, keep a few things in mind. Ya gotta wear a sexy hair net. Put lotion between your toes & elbows or you'll reek of fake bake. Assume the four tan stances and turn when it is time or you'll get double sprayed and resemble a tanorexic.

Here's to looking good naked or clothed or with dunlaps. Mark the change of seasons this weekend by turning your clocks one hour ahead as we Spring forward.