Five Minutes to Funny

What has been going on? Two months have passed since I last posted...been busy doing an adult swim - wading in the shallow end of comedy, treading the murky waters of joke delivery, and diving onto the stage. Many people say that doing stand-up is one of their biggest fears. For me, it is a rush to get a laugh. The "Five Minutes to Funny" class was taught at the DC Improv by comedian Chris Coccia, who sounds like a cartoon character, and should have his own show. He helped me craft the minivan into a sex machine.

It all started last year at The School of Womanly Arts* new-talent showcase. I told a cautionary tale about how I ended my "practice marriage" after I landed in the infectious and tropical disease center. The laughter was not expected. However, the laughs made me want more. From there, I took a Barbara Stanny** workshop and she asked us to do a "stretch" - something outrageous, something new. So, I did what 99.835% of the population would not do - try stand up. I'm a delusional mom thinking that the suburbs are full of humor, depending on your pov.

Here's a snipet of my "set" in the hopes that you are inspired to do a stretch and try something you never thought you'd do.

If the Odyssey's a rockin...

* Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts http://www.mamagenas.com/
** Barbara Stanny http://barbarastanny.com/

Remember to Remember

Something popped off the TV the other day that I can't shake out of my mind. It was a story about a woman who, while on a safari vacation, wrote a desire in her journal. She noticed that the kids clothes were torn and filthy. She wrote, "I'd like to see if a women's group would like to begin to sew little dresses." The crazy part is that she didn't sew! And now she has a warehouse of volunteers stitching dresses and pants that are sent to 16 countries in Africa and the U.S.

Remember to remember. It is a line from The Secret, a book about the universal law of attraction. Remember to remember the little thoughts you have, the little desires, and signals from the universe. Rachael O'Neil listened and she is helping thousands.

Video from NBC, Making a Difference: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40153870/vp/40462050#40462050

The P Word

Pat downs! Ooooh you cheeky monkeys, you thought I was going to use the other p word right? And I will but not in this entry, although, being a graduate of the School of Womanly Arts, I encourage you to use it.

Today I'm thinking about those pesky pat downs that hundreds of thousands of people will experience next week as they travel to their Thanksgiving destinations.

I traveled through Dulles, Charlotte, Atlanta, and Miami airports last weekend hoping for a pat down. It was all in the name of research to report back to you. However, my lack of success in obtaining the airport touchy-feely is for all women who read my blog. So share it and pass this one around!

The way to avoid a pat down is to look eager for one! I had my "I'm ready" face on with a big smile for all security types. There were even eyebrow lifts and a conversation about wanting a pat down. Being forward is a guarantee they'll wave your ass through!

If only I could talk with someone at the TSA about those body scans! Homeland Security is really missing the boat by not allowing us to get a copy of our scans, similar to the system at an amusement park when you ride a roller coaster. People could pay for their picture - goodness knows we all look better in silhouette. And we could pose.

Lastly, I leave you with a quip if an airline gestapo goes up your leg to the nether regions. Tell 'em they'll have to pay you should they wish to get any closer to your "p".

Stay tuned for my turkey blog next week about the call in number at Butterball... Feeling very THANKFUL to all my friends reading Workin' That Skirt.

Few sites for travel advice:
http://www.wikihow.com/Prepare-for-a-TSA-Body-Scan-or-Pat-Down

http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/index.shtm (how to get through quickly)

The Winking Witch

"At first I thought you were some crazy lady.” My witch cackle filled the air. "But, nahh, you look good,” said my garbage man this morning while the white sanitation truck passed with honking horn. I was walking home from the bus stop in full Halloween regalia. My shirt says: THE WINKING WITCH…COME AND SIT FOR A SPELL.

Now here’s the thing, anyone who knows me for five minutes, realizes I love to dress up. However, the last thing I wanted to do this morning was get up and put on a costume for the kids’ school parties. Gigi has a parade and David has a shin-dig for which I volunteered to orchestrate the freeze-dance festivities. I have been in bed all week with some kind of nasty bug that included a fever, sleepless nights, and a cough that has gotten my abs in shape.

Being ill is terrible and so I pose the question: How does one work her skirt when she needs to take to her sick bed? Well, Monday, I felt the stirrings of a cold brewing and I mustered up the energy to make homemade chicken noodle soup with dill, leeks, carrots, and parsnips. Soup was on hand whenever I needed nourishment. I also slept in the cutest, coziest pj’s. I showered and did my hair every day even though I didn't feel like it. I retired to the guest room and watched countless hours of TV and read half of THE FALL OF GIANTS, which is a thousand page book. The kids came in at regular intervals to cuddle (they already had the virus).

In my weakened state, I didn’t care very much about doing things "according to plan" and realized a few life lessons. Because I didn't have the energy to be the go-between with my kids sibling rivalry, they didn't come to me. Hmmm, staying out of their disputes is my next plan of action, or in-action. Saying "no" to volunteering or to a project that will max me out was easy because I was taking care of myself. The most enlightening reward was through my son David Dean, who is 7 years old. He stayed home one day with a "sore throat,” which might have been a sympathy move, but I didn't care because he is the best hugger. We watched movies about Greek gods/goddesses, ate ice cream in the morning, and snuggled all day. He said to me something I will never forget, "Mom, you know, I want to have kids one day and you are teaching me how to act when I have kids.” I asked him what he meant as I scooped more ice cream in his bowl. He replied, "You are showing me that even though you feel sick, you can still have fun and that it is OK to break the rules to make yourself feel better.” How’s that for some crazy lady?

Got Your Number

Her face could be used in a Fibonacci diagram. You know, the ratio of phi, the golden number which indicates divine proportion. Sally Blenky-Tchassov has divine proportion and she's coming to DC soon, hailing from her competitive dancing tour and her husband Alex's teaching studio in NYC. Sally and her hubby are our guests of honor at the gala for the Noyes Children's Library on Friday, November 5th. Wanna get dressed up, hear the RKO Orchestra, and dance with Alex and Sally Blenkey-Tchassov? Go to http://www.noyeslibraryfoundation.org/ because even though the fundraiser last weekend raised 50% more than our goal, we still need $70K this year and $70K next year and I can't even begin to do the percentages for how much more we need to raise.

I'm baffled by numbers, being a creative-type. However, there's an Einstein quote that makes me laugh - "Do not be troubled by your difficulties with Mathematics, I can assure you mine are much greater." The Fibonacci material is fascinating - Mr. Fib is best known to the modern world for spreading the Hindu-Arabic numeral system in Europe. Fibonacci sequences appear in biological settings, such as branching in trees, arrangement of leaves on a stem, the floral spirals of a sunflower, the flowering of artichoke, the arrangement of a pine cone, and even the ratio of our bones. Some say it indicates beauty.

On a not so scientific note, Glynis McCants uses numbers to deal with connections we have with people. She says that everything in the universe has vibrations and when you talk with someone, you are left feeling with "that person lifted me or that person drained me." The book, Love by the Numbers: How to Find Great Love or Reignite the Love You Have Through the Power of Numerology, has exercises to calculate your life path number and then use that number to determine the type of people to work with, love with, and avoid. My life path number is 8 which she says is all about making money. Hooray!

“If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers” Dan Castellaneta quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1958)

* Love by the Numbers http://www.amazon.com/Love-Numbers-Reignite-Through-Numerology/dp/1402224494

Tin Roof, Rusty

“What a way to go, in a bubble bath with candles and a caved-in ceiling,” I thought while I enjoyed my moment. It had been one of those days with the kids fighting over everything from “her donut is bigger than mine” to “I want to carry the flashlight.” After getting those little people who call me mom, mommy, mamo, or mama down to sleep, I just wanted to settle into a nice, warm bubble bath.

But things didn’t go quite as planned. I had the water running and needed a candle to go along with the solace. Off I scurried down the stairs to our kitchen to get a match. Back upstairs in my goddess oasis (the bathroom), my feet were met with slush slush slush. The faucet had somehow wiggled around to face out of the back of our claw foot tub. It was running full force all over the floor.

Into action I went with phase I: Towels on floor to soak up the mess and down to the laundry room to wash it all away. However, on the way to the washing machine, there was water dripping out of the kitchen ceiling. Uh oh.

Phase two: Gather basin to collect drips, put out pots, pans and measuring cups. Notice that the water is rusty brown and inching closer to the light.

Phase three: Get in bath, enjoy the moment and know that if I crashed through the floor, what a way to go.

Drip, thump thump, ding, ding. It is quite musical hearing the remnants of my luxury. The ceiling of our kitchen is the original tin, 125 years old. "The insurance will cover the damages," I tell myself. Dan is about to come home from a boys weekend trip in Oregon and he's been traveling for 12 hours. What a wonderful reception for him. I wait up in my new silky gown and matching robe. Might as well look like a goddess, whether I have to run out of the house for help or into a Dan hug upon his return to our -- love shack, baby love shack. Tin roof, rusty! (How cool that I get to use that line from the B52's, in context?!)

What a way to go.
***********************************************
You've probably heard me chat about my NY city weekends to attend my friend Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. Now, I'm posting a blog entry about working the tools. For more "goddess" stories, go to http://www.sistergoddess.com/ There is a monthly membership fee but well worth it! Mwah!

What's In A Name?

While watching the news last night, I was tickled by name of the Chief of Defense for England - Sir Jock Stirrup. Really, his parents named him that?! With our last name, even though we love the name Will, we couldn't go there - Will Bragg! Dan knew a guy in high school named Mike Hunt. Imagine that announced at the restaurant, "Mike Hunt, your table is ready." Tee hee. He also knew a girl named Fern Forest who had a brother named Lief. You know the line from Shakespeare,

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Some people have names that fit their profession. The urologist who did our son's circumcision is named Dr. Dix Poppas. Then there's Harry the Hairstylist to the stars (Gisele Bundchen to Al Pacino). In my digging around, I ran across veterinarians Dr. Jeffrey Fisch (Clinton Veterinary Center) and Dr. Russell Katz (Pelham Animal Hospital); lawyer Sue Yoo (Sullivan & Cromwell LLP); food blogger Shernell Cooke (Rawexperiences.typepad.com); psychiatrist Dr. Edith McNutt. !!!!

Going a step futher, take people's professions and apply them to what car they would drive. Keanu Reeves in a Matrix. The Greek epic poet Homer would have a Honda Odyssey, and a firefighter a Chevy Blazer. An entomologist would crawl through traffic in his Mitsubishi Spyder. A meteorologist would drive a Honda Element, an astronomer would have a Mitsubishi Eclipse and an optician a Ford Focus. Picasso would paint the town in his Nissan Cube, an ornithologist would use a Ford Falcon and his lawyer would drive a Honda Civic. A warden at a correctional facility would drive up in his Ford Escape. In honor of Columbus day, Christopher Columbus might drive a Ford Explorer.

I drive a Quest minivan and since I'm on the reinvention tour, it has served me well over the last few years. However, we are going to get a new car and I want something with a little more sport and sass. I'm looking around and took a Road and Driver car quiz to find out what would work best for our needs. It said a minivan. Ughhh! But the sports car quiz based on how I feel says that I should be driving a Lamborghini. That's the name that would make me proud, but I'm not sure it will work with carseats.

quiz at - http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/

Hello, Petal!

Years ago I lived in London and became fascinated by everything Anglo - love the way their intonation goes up at the end of a sentence, enjoy their subtle wit, adore the luxury of tea time, and am charmed by their Brillo-pad way of saying English phrases. "Easy peasy. Isn't that lovely-jubbly! Daft as a brush. Brilliant. Mind the gap. In a tick. Right, right, carry on." A dashing British chap nicked-named me "Petal" and I thought he was into me. He invited me to fancy dress parties and took me out for fabulous dinners but I soon realized that "Petal" is a term of endearment. Therefore, my crush became my dear friend, Davy Do Right, and I settled for a long-term love affair with tea.

The origins of Afternoon Tea can be found in the castles and English high society of the mid 1800’s. Anna, The 7th Duchess of Bedford is credited with starting the tradition of Afternoon Tea, in 1840. The Duchess was feeling peckish between meals, with what she described as “a sinking feeling”. She asked her maid to bring her a tray of bread, butter, cakes and tea to tide her over, until “high tea”, the main evening meal. Afternoon Tea soon became a ritual for Anna, and she began to invite friends to Belvoir Castle to join her.

Bringing that tradition here would require a steamroller campaign over 11,000 Starbucks stores in the U.S.** However, hosting a gathering that is not-your-granny's tea party seemed more up my ally. Thai and Toasted Brulee exotic tea leaves were acquired. Check. Finger sandwiches, scones, sweets PLUS fabulous date appies. Check. A playlist with Lady GaGa, and Bonjovi to honor the guest of honor. Check. Champers and vino. Check.

Hi, my name is Cyndy and I'm a tea drinker. Coffee is rarely a part of my day now because the caffeine is not good for my dizzy condition (See entry - Get Your Head Examined from 6/23/09 http://workinthatskirt.blogspot.com/2009/06/get-your-head-examined_23.html). Guess that makes me a tea totaler. Not really, I still enjoy a vodka. So if life seems to be giving you one thing, whether it is a unfulfilled crush or a desire to have a warm drink in the morning, explore your options. There is probably something better for you on the horizon.

Pip Pip, Cheerio, Petal!

** Starbucks store number is according to Wikipedia

Project Run-aways

It's Fashion Week in NYC and the glamazons are catwalking what we'll wear next Spring. The hemline index indicates that "skirts get longer as the financial concerns heighten."* I think this means it's time to pack up those hot pants girls in order to avoid the DON'T list. A few other "what not to wear" items came up recently that are not to be missed!

My parents were here last weekend and my dad revealed that he purchased a men's body shaper to wear under his clothes while he attended his high school reunion. (Not worry, after a little prodding, Dad laughingly gave me permission to tell all.) The man-spanx looks about as big as something my 7 year old would wear. Daddy Dean said, "I had to put Vaseline on my hips to get it on." It's a step in, pull up procedure. He also said he lost 20...
...twenty dollars, that is.

From the get-slim tee site we ventured to another "don't" item. The Snazzy Napper...
http://snazzynapper.com/
Really, do people buy these?!? It reduces street cred to a "0" but the video on their site is hi-larious.

I cringe admitting that I adorned my neck with a duck whistle last weekend. We did a DC Duck Tour and as we passed people on the street, especially intense business people on their cell phones, it was a blast to quack. Take the tour if you come to DC. However, hide the quacker when you get home, and go for a glam slam with a retro look, wearing a maxi skirt in a courageous color.

*www.nj.com/entertainment/fashion_week_designers

Back at it...

Helllloooooooo! It's been a while and I'm back at it. Yesterday, I was complaining about the drains of early morning-get-out-the-door, back-to-school, back-to-life, back-to-reality. Then I got a call from Dan telling me Discovery was in lockdown because a crazy man was wielding a gun in the lobby. As things were unfolding, he would call or send a text of his whereabouts. Then a shocker - he told me they were going up to the top floor. I was immediately transported back to 9/11 in NYC. (Sadly, the people who went up never came down.) While Dan was "Mr. Calm", I was a bit histrionic, relaying the news from CNN - "The terrorist has explosives on his back. Get out of that building!" You know the rest of the story and when I picked up my hubby/lover/buddy/best friend at the Metro, I hugged him tighter than ever before.

Sure puts my disgruntled morning diddy in perspective. Maybe it's not appropriate to mention a longing for the meandering summer we experienced after what happened. However, I've been showing signs of PTF - post travel funk. PTF* is a low-grade irritability after a trip, voyage, or prolonged vacation (i.e., Summer). Symptoms include the inability to unpack or put away laundry, reapplication of sunscreen throughout the day, longing to get to the beach early even though you are hours away from the coast, or a tendency to pick up the phone and ask for reception. If any of these traits apply, here are some exercises to help. Wear your bathing suit under your clothes all day. Or, imagine where you would like to go on your next fantasy trip and research it. Try pretending that chefs are arriving at your house to prepare dinner and when it is time to eat, go to a restaurant. Pack your luggage for an exotic vacation to determine what you are missing, and go shopping for those items.

Today when I woke up, I was incredibly grateful for the normalcy of the hustle-bustle-get-out-the-door routine. Then I reapplied some sunscreen.

* The Gist magazine, August 2010, Eric Weiner @ worldhum.com

Is the Universe Friendly?

An accident rocked my world last week and whatever I write seems inapt. Here I post a letter of gratitude and a few thoughts...

Dear Mane & Roger,
How fortunate to have brushed up against you. Since last Wednesday when I had the horrendous experience of hitting a pedestrian, my shoulders have been heavy. How quickly life can change. The gentleman who ended up on the hood of my car is physically OK, according to a police update. There's consolation in that matter. And yet I find myself breaking down in tears and searching for answers. It is an awakening to mortality.

There's a line from a Gwendolyn Brooks poem that echoes in my head, "Exhaust the little moment. Soon it dies." Life is short and this experience underscores how important it is to live the day like it's the last. Einstein was asked what he thought the most important question was that a human being needed to answer. His reply, "Is the universe friendly or not?" I believe life is definitely on my side as evidenced by your kindness and support at the accident. I'll never forget having Mane's arm around my waist, holding me. And Roger's calm demeanor was grounding.

With never-ending gratitude,
Cyndy

************************************************
This incident reinforces a way of thinking to live big because we only have one time on this planet. It is the basis for workin' that skirt. It is the reason why I do things like burlesque dancing. Or dressing up in a costume to save the town library. Or hugging people who I barely know. Or being a massive flirt with practically everyone I encounter. Or taking classes to be a better parent. Or being part of the pleasure revolution. Or Or or. My friend Jill, who happens to be a minister, calls it living full out.

It is also a reminder to be present in my life as it unfolds, in the moment, and listen to what is needed. Since the accident, my body craves some feel-good endorphins; I've been running and swimming laps. And, I've also eaten a bunch of brownies.

I Love It When We're Cruising Together

Riding past the town of Gross Proud and seeing signs for the Hungry Mother State Park were just a few noteworthy points about our RV trip to the Cecil Family Fish Fry Reunion Hoedown Hootenanny Shindig. There was also the false start when the engine in our rented Cruise America motor-home was seemingly on fire and started smoking, filling up the cabin and leaving a trail behind us on Route 66. Gigi yelled, "It smells like bacon" as we evacuated. On most road trips, parents are bombarded by the usual, "How much longer until we get there?" Instead, we heard, "How much longer will we be stuck here?" After several hours on the side of the road with the RV rocking every time a semi rolled by, a tow truck arrived.

Outfitted with a new rig, we set out again for TAKE 2, six hours after we originally started. It was during this leg of the trip that the rules of the road became evident. A few examples are on the video at right or the below link - "assume the RV stance" & "suspend reality without seat belts."

The Blue Ridge Mountains and Shenandoah River beckoned as we ventured along the country roads, passing Davy Crockett's birthplace, the Cross-eyed Cricket Campground, and the world's largest fireworks store. Our final stop was at a "fairytale in stone" known as the Luray Caverns. “The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
- Don Williams, Jr. quotes (American Novelist and Poet, b.1968)


For RV Rules of the Road and pics from the Fish Fry, watch the VIDEO by clicking on this link... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G94dGaYOpVQ

Music credits for video - Cruisin by Smokey Robinson, Country Roads by John Denver and Connect by Foxy Shazam.

Say "YES"

Do you ever have a yearning to do something and you hold yourself back? It could be something on your wish list or a dream you've had since you were a child. You never got around to doing it because you got sidetracked, or were afraid, or, or, or. Maybe it is a mid-life awakening but I'm living loud and proud with those buried desires. It is about saying "YES" to the dreams that empassion you. I am feeling called to perform.

Our little town, it's a quiet village (you know the tune from Beauty and the Beast?)... Kensington, Maryland has a super-quaint children's library but because of county budget cuts, there are threats to close it down. A committee was formed, a foundation created, and fund raising ensues. Last weekend was the Storybook Parade and they asked for volunteers to be characters, one of them being Fancy Nancy. I said, "YES!"


Last June at a dinner party, the hostess had us a play the game of truths. You write down three things about yourself, two are true, one is a lie. The crowd has to figure out which one is not real. Dan said that he almost got stampeded by a pack of elephants, had a criminal record, bicycled across the country. I said that I used to be in meetings with Ted Turner, had to break my legs to get Dan to marry me, and that I am a burlesque dancer. One was a falsehood last year but now they are all true. I said "YES" to taking classes in NYC and performed last night with a group of foxy ladies, sparkle shoes and all!

Try it. Say "yes" to something you normally would not do. Put yourself on a "yes" diet every day. Yes to a new phone app. Yes to a crazy eye shadow. Yes to a project at work that you want to do. Yes to a class you want to take. Yes to fake eyelashes. Yes to downloading new music. Yes to trying a new food. We only have one time to go around this planet. Work that skirt!

Picture This

The gang was all in white, lined up for the family picture. The brother got pissed off at his sister, picked up a pile of mud, and wiped it all over her lily-white top. Mayhem ensued and the shots the photog got were the best ever. That episode of Modern Family jogged a memory about our "sitting" a few months ago. We were dressed accordingly and feeling a bit stiff. After 20 minutes of posing, Dan had the brilliant idea to pull out the wigs. Viola, the personalities emerged.

Capturing that "moment" is key and I wanted some professional advice considering summer travel is upon us. My friend and professional Mapplethorpe, Josh Lehrer, has some enlightening tips. http://joshlehrer.com/ Papa Josh has shot portraits of the big guns such as Donald Trump, Richard Meier, and Tina Brown. His conceptual work has been on bigger-than-life Times Square billboards. Currently, the walls of the Mandarin Oriental in Vegas are adorned with Papa's work. Here are his thoughts on creating artistic memories.

• Do the opposite of what the camera instructions say. If they say to put the sun at your back, try the sun facing you for something more interesting and dynamic.
  
• Family shots - Don't worry what the kids are doing. The parents freak out and get themselves in such a tizzy that they end up looking haggard. Take care of yourself. Let the kids be kids. Trust the photographer to get the great shot.
• Travel pics - Put your subject in the extreme foreground with the pyramid in the extreme background.

One final idea - say "money" instead of "cheese." Saying "money" makes the corners of your mouth go back in a more natural way. And if you believe that you conjure what you say out loud, it's much better to picture more money than cheese any day.

In the Zona

Have you been carded lately? It was a thrilling experience last weekend when I was out with my friend Heather in Scottsdale. (They card everyone who looks like they are 30 years old!) Lucky for me, the guy had bad eyesight. There is a standing policy that if asked to show my ID, the requesting person gets a smooch on the cheek. However, in my giddiness of such a special moment, I forgot to give him an appreciation peck.

There were lots of other unique moments about our trip to Arizona. Dan's parents took us to a fancy-smancy ranch and we got to see a horse swim in a equine pool. See picture >>>>

At the Museum of Musical Instruments, Marcia and the kids played haunting sounds on the Theremin.
Watch Marcia on this video. >>>>>>

There was also a workin' that skirt moment - I saw an older woman at Target who made my jaw drop. Her hair was adorned with pearls, she had on silver high heels, straight white denim jeans, a white shirt and a smile that could make the midnight sky look like day. Cashier gals were praising her and then saying to one another as she walked away, "She looks better than you and me combined." "That woman sure knows how to do it." "Dottie, ooohhhhh, eeeeee."

Seeing "Dottie" made we want to give her an award, or at least some props* that acknowledge her brilliance and sparkle. I could have showed my gratitude with a big smooch but I have a bad reputation at Target. (See entry "Get Your Head Examined" when I accidently dropped the shopping cart down the escalator - http://workinthatskirt.blogspot.com/2009/06/get-your-head-examined_23.html.) So instead of getting arrested for kissing a stranger, I planted a big appreciation kiss on someone I know, my friend Heather. >>>>>>

* Props, short for Propers, -The entire word "propers" is used in the song "Respect", written by Otis Redding and most famously recorded by Aretha Franklin in 1967. At least, I think it is ("all I'm askin' in return honey is to give me my propers when I get home"). according to Urban Dictionary